


Plugged In

by sharedwithyou



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angstangstangst, Bucky Barnes Feels, F/M, No Mindfuck, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 08:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15859659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: Whichever boundaries he put up, you seemed to breeze through.And when he had had enough, you would back away easily.That was the hard part. As if you knew how far you could push him, and how to take him back from the edge.You were even doing it right now. He hadn't wanted to talk. But somehow you were making him listen.





	Plugged In

**Author's Note:**

> It's been toooooo long! I've been feeling in a rut lately, but this came to me and felt right. So I hope you enjoy!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Angstmaster
> 
> P.S. Would love to hear how you are doing!

"Sometimes I just want to plug in and disappear. Don't you?"

 

 

 

"No." He was blunt, or perhaps you perceived his straightforwardness as such.

"I see." You lowered your gaze slightly, but maintained eye contact.

He shifted then, uncomfortable. He had a way about him, but then again so did you.

You had a way with him.

 

"There's a movie about that right? People living in a digital reality of sorts?"

"The matrix?" You smile. "Clint and Tony keeping you up with pop-culture huh."

"Something like that." He turned his head, not used to this upfront and personal.

 

It wasn't staying real that bothered him. It wasn't straight talk that made him uneasy.

It was this. 

 

You. 

 

Whichever boundaries he put up, you seemed to breeze through.

And when he had had enough, you would back away easily.

That was the hard part. As if you knew how far you could push him, and how to take him back from the edge.

You were even doing it right now. He hadn't wanted to talk. But somehow you were making him listen. 

 

"So you don't ever wish you could get away from it all?"

"Doesn't everyone?" It was an entirely general response, but you felt closer to him nonetheless.

"Maybe." You were subdued to silence and he considered making an excuse and walking away. 

 

In the end, he looked back at you. And like the running numbers of the matrix, you drew him back in.

 

"So what makes it different for you?"

Your eyes widen slightly and it seem to you his eyes smiled back.

You hadn't expected him to ask you anything. It was as if you were always the one asking and taking. And giving.

And for the first time he was asking you something that you could give and he could take.

"Plugging in and disappearing. I can understand one or the other. But both?"

 

"What can I say, I am one-of-a-kind." You'd wanted to say more, but all of a sudden you were unsure. Things were different now, and you felt the grip you had on whatever this was, whatever you had with him, was slipping.

 

"Go on."

 

It was strange, how easily it came to him now.

To fill the gaps that were left. To pick up the ball you had dropped, to take you by the hand and lead you back the way you came. The way you had first led him. 

 

"Well," you continued. "I guess it's the plugging in that really makes a difference." It was your turn to look away now. The status quo was changing and you felt shaken. 

 

As if the proverbial ground shaking had taken literal a life of its own.

And he wanted to reach you, to touch your hand as you had those times before.

 

"To just disappear, whether it is to be gone now or to have never been. Somehow it seems more empty."

 

"Empty," he echoed.

"Yes. Empty."

And this time he didn't understand, not because he hadn't the emotional capacity nor the ability to vocalize it.

How could someone like you, so full of life, be empty?

But you took his silence in stride, not knowing or caring about his possible doubt.

 

"When you plug in, it's a constant stream."

He blinked slowly, keeping his eyes trained on you. As if you might dissolve into the matrix right before his eyes. If only you had such luck.

"When you're plugged in, to your music or your shows or even video games, you never stop feeling.

Whether it's good or bad, happy or sad."

He reached his metal hand up to brush his hair out of his eyes. He had no idea how good he looked at that moment.

"It might not necessarily be a cycle, in and out, back and forth. Input to output and back again. Maybe playing a game well makes you feel right. Maybe watching a sad movie makes you cry."

 

"Maybe hearing your favorite song makes you feel..." he started.

You felt sad smile prick against your face. "You remember."

"Your favorite song?"

"That I like music," you spoke softly.

 

"I believe your words were that you live music."

 

Your fingers brushed your cheek and surprise, the motion itself a surprise.

 

"You want to feel without feeling, don't you?"

 

The words themselves made no sense, but you felt a breaching of some sort beyond the words.

"It's the feeling that makes us whole Bucky."

"That doesn't mean that it doesn't get hard to bear sometimes." He replied softly.

"I never said that," you spoke sharply, before biting your lip with regret.

As if you had made progress with a wounded animal, only to startle it away.

 

"I'm not that broken, (y/n)."

You pressed your back against the wall; was it confusion or was it surprise?

Which ever it was, you needed to feel the surface behind you. It was like the world was spinning apart. And you understood none of it

 

"Sometimes I'm not sure which one is controlling which." And just like that the words came

"I don't want what I feel to control who I am. I don't want what I I hear to control what I feel."

 

"But you don't want to stop feeling, (y/n)."

 

"Yeah."

It wasn't enough though. For him to say that.

"You don't want to stop feeling, (y/n)."

You gave him a look to tell him he was repeating himself.

But he wanted to make you understand

 

"You can't stop feeling (y/n)."

 

"Is that an order?"

 

"You can't stop feeling (y:n), because that's who you are."

 

You started to scoff but he cut you off.

"You worry about what you feel, and what you don't feel. What makes you feel, and what shouldn't,

 But you can't plug in and disappear.

 

Because when you plug in, you already disappear."

 

"What?"

You looked at him incredulously, but he held your gaze.

"You think disappearing is the escape, but it's not. Not for you.

For you, it's when you plug in that the lines blur.

You want to escape because you think it will make things easier.

 

But what you need is to come out of it OK. Because one then the shit comes down you don't get away to stay away. You get away to get better."

 

"To come out stronger," the words escaped before you could stop them.

 

"Yes." He looked deeply at you now. 

"Losing yourself into a song or a series, that's how you deal with who you are."

"A media junkie?" You felt the smile crack against your cold face.

He shook his head, feeling like he was losing you. But he couldn't now, not after he had come this far. Not after you had brought him this far.

 

"That emptiness you feel? That's all the anger and frustration and joy and love pushing and tugging at you.

It overwhelms you until you're convinced that you can't feel nothing at all.

But you do." He leaned forward and grab your elbows, putting you off balance.

You gasped in surprise and stumbled into him.

 

"You feel everything. And that's OK."

 

"I don't want to," you whispered, keeping your eyes against his torso. It was safer than looking into his.

"Yes you do," he spoke into the hairs above your ear.

 

"Because all the sadness and hopelessness can't weigh down The beautiful things that you keep inside."

 

"I don't believe you."

"Maybe not," he murmured.  "But do you still believe in me?"

You shook your head against his chest, and he felt his heart skip more than a few beats

 

"Bucky. I never stopped."

 

"Then look up."

 

And as you lifted your chin, afraid of what he was going to say, or terrified of what he was going to do. You didn't want him to kiss you. Not like this.

But all you saw were his beautiful blue eyes looking, searching your own. Beseeching you to understand.

And all of a sudden you did. 

 

You recognized that look.

 

It was wanting and wishing someone you care about to understand something you couldn't fully explain.

Save for the fact that they were going to be OK. And that you needed them to know it.

 

"Okay, Bucky."

"Okay, (y/n)."

You leaned the rest of your body against him, taking this rare moment of weakness perhaps on your both parts.

To feel him. To really really feel him. 

For the first time. 

 

"I won't disappear on you Bucky."

"That had better be a promise."

"I don't know, what if I feel like it sometime? Isn't feeling what I'm all about?"

"Well then how about the next time you feel like it, you come to me again."

"And?"

"I'll tell you what I did this time."

"To remind me?"

 

"Yeah." He let out something between groan and a sigh. He put his hands on your shoulder and walked you backwards til you were face-to-face Eye to eye.

"That you probably need to feel this way sometimes. And that it's OK."

"Hmm," you hummed, not exactly convinced

"And that some people need you just the way you are."

"Some?"

He quirked a brow at you but you weren't letting him off this easy.

 

"OK, maybe certain specific people."

"I see," you conceded.

"And maybe not need." he offered.

"Oh?"

"Well at least not only need. But also want."

 

You shrugged his hands off but a grin had found a way across your lips.

"We'll see."

"Good."

He stood looking at you for a moment, and you let him. You saw him seeing you and you liked it. And maybe, just maybe he liked you too

 

"So do you feel like plugging in to disappear?"

"I'm not sure Bucky."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Sure. So, how would you feel about… Just plugging in?"

 

"I don't-" You cut him off.

"Just me and you."

 

"That sounds good."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked!!
> 
> Random Ramblings:
> 
> I love/live music. You probably knew that already considering how many fics I've based on songs/ have been inspired by music.
> 
> Quick poll 1: What line hit you the hardest?
> 
> Quick poll 2: Plugging in together- how did you take this? watching a movie together? being introverted couch potatoes togeher? or perhaps netflix and chilling together? heh
> 
> Jokes aside, though, this was a very emotional fic for me. I put a lot of heart and soul in this. I hope you felt it deep the way I did too. (Goddamnit Tony)
> 
>  
> 
> Tell me how you are all doing I'd love to hear from you! That's all this time lovelies!
> 
> XOXO Bucky


End file.
